The TV talent contest that gave us One Direction, Leona Lewis and that binman from Eurovision celebrates its birthday with an all-new format. Only problem is that it's just like the old one
Name: The X Factor
Age: 10.
Appearance: Slightly too bright, slightly too loud, a little frayed around the edges. The last person to leave a party, essentially.
The X Factor is 10 years old already? Yes. Seven more and it'll be old enough to drive a car. What a terrifying thought.
Indeed. Let's celebrate by listing all the megastars that The X Factor has created. OK. Leona Lewis. One Direction. JLS. Alexandra Burke. That binman bloke who came last at Eurovision a few years ago. Look, we don't have to do this ...
Keep going. You want me to say Matt Cardle, don't you?
I said keep going. Oh fine. You win. The X Factor hasn't produced as many megastars as it would have you think. But what about last year's winner? He was good.
What was his name, then? Oh, I'm not sure. Jonathan something?
Oh dear. How is X Factor 2013 planning to stop things from getting stale after a decade on air? It's hired Sharon Osbourne as a judge.
But she's already been a judge. That's not exactly keeping things fresh. Fine then, the contestants must now audition in a small room with no audience.
But that used to happen too! They're refreshing X Factor by making it exactly the same as it was in 2004! Are they bringing Kate Thornton back as well? No. She'll be spending her Saturdays in the traditional manner, angrily jabbing pins into a high-trousered voodoo doll.
At least Sharon Osbourne and Louis Walsh are being reunited. Perhaps we'll see some of their old chemistry again. This is true. Osbourne and Walsh are the Statler and Waldorf of X Factor, except not quite as realistic-looking.
What else can we expect from the new series? Oh, the usual. Singers singing 12 notes when one would feasibly do. Sporadic outrage from people who don't understand how public phone votes work. The inescapable sensation that you're wasting vast chunks of your precious life.
So you'll be watching on Saturday? God yes. Don't judge me.
Do say: "You're through to bootcamp."
Don't say: "Hey, when's the new Leon Jackson album out?"
