With the release of the Paul Potts movie and news that Susan Boyle will soon be immortalised on film too, here are the reality TV biopics we'd really like to see
The future of cinema is here, and it's got lots of films about TV talent show contestants in it. Following One Chance, the surprisingly well-received biopic of Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts, plans are now afoot to make a similar film about Susan Boyle.
This shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. After all, they're both stories about plucky down-on-their-luck everypeople who dared to dream and finally made it big. It's the same story as Rocky, or The Karate Kid, or 8 Mile, but with faux-operatic wailing and Amanda Holden instead of rap battles and Mr Miyagi. The stories of Potts and Boyle couldn't be any more cinematic if they tried.
So now the floodgates are open. The race is on to find the next lucky recipient of a talent show biopic. If any movie producers happen to be reading, here's who I'd suggest.
Whatever Happened To Stevie Brookstein?
As the very first winner of The X Factor, Steve Brookstein expected a life of luxurious megastardom. But slowly, things fell apart. This film will recreate the aftermath of his victory, from the initial dizzying glory to the years he spent in a windowless basement, forlornly cursing X Factor on Twitter to anyone who'd listen. But they didn't listen. They never listened.
Dude, Where Me Keys?
Mr Zip is a career-focused lawyer and divorced father. He loves spending time with his young son, but has a habit of giving precedence to his job. Ultimately, Mr Zip misses his son's fifth birthday party due to work commitments. The son makes a birthday wish that his father would lose both his keys and his phone for an entire day: a wish that immediately becomes true. Our film follows Mr Zip's increasingly madcap search for his keys and his phone, and the hilarious scrapes he gets into because he can't call people or use doors properly any more. Eventually, Mr Zip realises that the love of his son is more important that being able to get inside places or making important calls, and vows never to ring anybody or unlock anything ever again.
Ashleigh and Pudsey: They Shoot Puppies, Don't They?
The gut-wrenching Mommie Dearest-style tale of Ashleigh and Pudsey, the dancing dog act that won Britain's Got Talent in 2012. Ashleigh fears for her life under the tyrannical rule and fierce ambition of Pudsey the dog. "Dance faster!" the dog roars. "Smile harder!" Ashleigh, forced to sleep on the floor and eat out of a bowl while Pudsey eats steak and drinks from the finest toilets, tries to protest. "Your nose is too close to my bottom, Pudsey," she meekly cries. "I'm not comfortable with this." Pudsey strikes Ashleigh across the face. "I'll tell you what you're comfortable with, you ungrateful cow." Ashleigh catches sight of a butterfly on her windowsill. "One day," she thinks, "I'll fly away just like you."
Wagner: Requiem For a Bongo
An epic story – unparalleled in terms of scale and ambition – telling the story of Wagner Carrilho from the moment of his conception to the time of his death, as the cyborg captain of the intergalactic star-destroyer HMS BattleFist 250 years from now. The film will include (but will not be limited to): his adolescence in Brazil, his hobby of going outside in just his pants and grabbing lions by their tails, his time as a PE teacher in Dudley, his X Factor bongo medley of She Bangs and Love Shack, the time that his X Factor bongo medley of She Bangs and Love Shack was adopted by Planet Earth as its first official unified anthem, his leading role in the defence of the planet against the invasion of the flaming insectoid robot vampire aliens, his discovery of sustainable fusion power, a perpetual motion machine and the cure for the common cold within a single weekend and, of course, his brief but beloved tenure as Undisputed Emperor of the Universe. This film has it all. You'll laugh. You'll cry. Most importantly, you'll bongo.