News that Cheryl Cole may return to the ailing ITV show is surprising given her treatment on Simon Cowell's show first time round
It's hard not to feel a bit sorry for The X Factor. Once the merciless juggernaut of Saturday-night TV, Simon Cowell's toxic brainchild is starting to look a bit … sad. It has been trounced in the ratings by the likes of The Great British Bake Off, and newspaper reports suggest an unlikely possible saviour in the guise of Cheryl Cole, the former judge who publicly fell out with the show's svengali last time round.
It's impossible to know whether this latest development is rooted in fact, or a product of the X Factor hype machine, but it wouldn't be the first time a celebrity had made a dramatic return – witness Disney villain Sharon Osbourne's resurrection this series. Whatever the truth, history suggests that, for female judges at least, winning a coveted spot on the panel is a poisoned chalice. Sure, you get paid handsomely to trot out endless cliches about contestants going on a journey (losing some weight) or making a song their own (slowing it down), but you also risk being variously labelled talentless (Cheryl), a chav (Tulisa Contostavlos) or, most recently, plain old drunk (Nicole Scherzinger, after one recent Saturday's show – although she denied being drunk and said she was just "getting into the disco spirit").
The X Factor judging panel might have a higher staff turnover than the Sugababes, yet it only ever seems to be the female judges who get unceremoniously dumped from the line-up.
During his 10 years on the show, Louis Walsh has seen seven female judges come and go, while the only male judge who has been swapped out was the show's dark overlord Simon, who happily left to launch X Factor USA. His replacement, Gary monotone Barlow, says that this will be his last series, through choice – unlike Dannii, Tulisa and Kelly Rowland, who were told in no uncertain terms that they'd outstayed their welcome, or Cheryl Cole, who left to judge on the US show before being replaced by current UK judge Nicole, leading her to send Simon possibly the most expletive-laden text message in the history of light entertainment ("Fuck you. Fuck Britain's Got Talent. Fuck the orange and purple outfit. Fuck big hair. Fuck the UK X Factor. Fuck you all. I hate you").
While Louis is widely regarded as a harmless court jester and, if anything, gently chided for jaw-dropping faux pas such as telling 19-year-old black contestant Paije Richardson that he was "like a little Lenny Henry", X Factor's female judges can seemingly do no right in the eyes of the show, public or press. Dannii and Cheryl were dismissed as talentless ornaments, despite Dannii having enjoyed a 26-year career prior to joining the show, and Cheryl having found fame on a singing competition where she performed live each week. Tulisa was regarded with open contempt, and labelled a "council estate Barbie" by the Daily Mail; Gary Barlow, meanwhile, continues to deliver increasingly anodyne critiques while struggling to correctly pronounce the word "performance", yet retains his status as a national treasure. And when was the last time you heard about the male judges being involved in fashion wars or backstage catfights?
Perhaps it's just a coincidence, but let's hope Cheryl is thinking twice about re-entering the lion's den. After being replaced by Nicole on the US show, Cheryl wrote: "I felt sorry for her because she was the one who was going to be under scrutiny, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody." Perhaps Cheryl has since discovered the secret to side-stepping criticism and achieving longevity on the panel – by developing a penis.