Is there no end to Ms Contostavlos's skills? She has been a member of N-Dubz, an X Factor judge, an actor and a perfumer. And now she's written a book that's 'impossible to put down'
On Wednesday night Amazon's Nasdaq share value closed down slightly, a perplexing turn of events that did little to reflect future demand for new Kindles signposted by the announcement, on Wednesday morning, of Tulisa Contostavlos's debut novel.
In announcing the news, the Mirror quoted a curiously knowledgable pal saying "it has been a hard few months for Tulisa but she can't wait for her book to be released", which is perhaps a little optimistic about the critical and commercial fate that awaits Tulisa's latest travails. "Tulisa's debut novel is impossible to put down," we are told, which sounds rather like a challenge of endurance, "and impossible to forget", which simply sounds like a threat.
There is also a subtle hint from Tulisa's pal that Sky – for this is the title of the book that will have Tulisa's name on the front – is not the limit. "She has been really focused on writing the novels," they noted, "and has been spending most of her time on them." That's novels with an "s"! And "them"! So there could be more to come. But let's concentrate on the first, the publication date of which is listed by Tulisasource.com, one of Lost in Showbiz's favourite Tulisa fansites, as 11 September – make of that what you will.
Until then, the level of public debate we can expect to surround this literary release is best summarised by one tweet quoted by gossip website Entertainmentwise: "Tulisa is releasing a novel!? MOVE OVER CHARLES DICKINS!"
Still, the promotional blurb for Sky promises some impressive work. The book, apparently, tells the story of a London schoolgirl's rise to stardom and – hold on. Lost in Showbiz can see what's happening here. This is a companion piece to last year's autobiographical tome Honest, which also had Tulisa's name on the front. But back to Sky. "In 2005, a south London schoolgirl huddles cold and wet on the kerb," trumpets the synopsis. "Her bruised eye swollen shut, her schoolbag dirty and torn. Sky Beradino dreams of coming out on top – just for once – and vows that no one will keep her down for ever. In 2013, a talented young actress takes a deep breath before stepping on stage. Glamorous, confident and beautiful, only the very closest to her know the price she has paid."
In one sense it's cheering that, despite the lamentable efforts of a certain Sunday newspaper to destroy Tulisa as both a celebrity and human being, she is storming ahead with her plan for world domination. But that sound you hear is not just the doors to the publishing industry being kicked down, or at least wedged open with a job lot of unsold perfume bottles, any more than it's the distant rumble of JCBs heading to Poundland HQ in a race to construct extra warehouse space by 12 September. It is the sound of Tulisa crossing one further option off her list.
So far Tulisa has been a member of N-Dubz (and a rather good one, too), an X Factor judge, an actor, a solo performer, a perfumer and, of course, an autobiographer. Beyond this she is also a celebrity, that supposedly solid foundation on which some of those commercial ventures, and most future ones, are built. The modern celebrity must be a polymath: so determined to prove doubters wrong when they ask "but what do they actually do?" that they try to do everything but often end up succeeding at very little. They forget that great celebrities, like great musicians and actors, are defined more by what they say no to than what they say yes to. In the end, the noise they make cancels itself out, and as each venture fails, the celebrity moves on to the next career lifeline on the list.
But it is a finite list. Obviously, Tulisa can still launch that theme park we have all been waiting for – after all, who wouldn't want their picture taken with a Rada graduate in an oversized Dappy costume? But as you watch a celebrity slowly running out of options while crossing your fingers that their next venture is in some way decent, and as you see them meeting, then shedding, companions along the way, you feel rather like the Doctor Who fan who eagerly awaits his next incarnation, while knowing that with each new face the franchise approaches the Doctor's 12-regeneration limit.
How many times can Tulisa regenerate? She is probably now at the Colin Baker stage, which might seem perilous but elsewhere this week the celebrity cosmos has also shown us Alex Reid offering his Katie Price wedding ring in a competition for readers of Now! magazine, which in the Whovian timeline is somewhere near Christopher Eccleston. Jedward, meanwhile, have changed their Twitter biography to a Gmail address at which they hope to receive "Business Enquiries". For Jedward, perhaps the four-year spell of employment that began when they startled the world by clearly not being able to sing on a singing competition represents a decent run of luck; but in regeneration terms they have gone beyond the Matt Smith stage and are firmly into whoever-comes-after-Matt territory. The BBC is naturally tight-lipped about Smith's replacement as the Doctor. Perhaps, if her busy schedule of promoting books with her name on the front allows, this role could be Tulisa's next move?