From Idris Elba in the DJ booth to luxury loos, not to mention Beyoncé's only European festival this summer, here are this year's most anticipated moments
Love it or hate it – and many people do – this weekend will see thousands of music fans (forget any notions of literary tents or poetry corners) descend on Hylands Park, in Chelmsford, for strictly chart-sanctioned fun. Here is what I'm looking forward to.
Unashamedly wallowing in pop
Celebrating its 18th birthday, this year's V line-up reads like a typical, if solidly suburban, teenage house party playlist. But in among the terrifying triumvirate that is the Script, Olly Murs and Jessie J, pop can still hold its head up. There's guilty girl pleasure the Saturdays, slick grime-flecked soul from Labrinth and stadium-quaking singalongs courtesy of Kings of Leon. But for sheer pop greatness and shape-throwing madness, Calvin Harris's headline spot is going to be hard to beat.
Going TOWIE
Low on animal costumes and high on fake tans, rarely will you see a better turned out, carefully coiffured and perfectly made-up crowd than at Chelmsford. Last year, you could get a vajazzle; this year, there's an SOS bus service at Hylands Park. But one thing's for sure: if you haven't packed mascara, you're not coming in.
Getting bootilicious with Beyoncé
Having conquered the green fields of Avalon, the inestimable Mrs Carter has chosen V for her only European festival appearance this year. Aside from asking Essex to "put a ring on it", she'll debut that new pixie cut in the UK. And, if the rumour-mill is to be trusted, doubling up the fun with her equally famous other half.
Hearing shouts of 'stick to your day job'
He's convincingly brooding as Luther and looks Oscar-bound as the star of the upcoming biopic Mandela: Long Walk To Freedom, but Idris Elba will pop his festival cherry at V. Will his hip-hop and dance tunes during his DJ set be as impressive as his ability to break down doors and catch bad guys?
Watching X Factor stars dodge foul-smelling flying objects
Last year, Cher Lloyd got a soaking thanks to some airborne bottles of urine and stomped off after only two songs. With a plethora of X Factor alumni littering Hyland's Park – James Arthur, Misha B and Lucy Spraggan to name a few – this year the crowd are spoiled for choice when it comes to wee targets. My money's on Diana Vickers.
Swerving disgruntled Liam Gallagher fans
Beady Eye's exit from the festival following Gem Archer's accident means it's two strikes for Liam Gallagher at Chelmsford, following his Oasis no-show in 2009. With replacement Steve Angello unlikely to satisfy those still enthralled with Manchester's beleaguered bad boy, men with monobrows, it's time to get plucking.
Breaking into the luxury loos
V is often derided as the most commercial of the summer's offerings, and this year it's outdone itself. For the princely sum of £30 for the weekend, festivalgoers can treat their posteriors with posh bogs, featuring "quality loo roll", an "odourless flush" and a "comfy waiting area". Sounds so good I may never leave …