The X Factor judge and ancient rock star's wife is selling her third autobiography with stories of celebrity feuds and fights
Age: 60.
Appearance: Unmistakable and inescapable. Her face glowers at us from TV screens, magazine racks and gossip website sidebars every day.
This is true. But why are we talking about her now? Because soon her face is going to be glowering at us from the front of her third autobiography – and she has been feeding readers scraps to whet their appetites by serialising the book in the Sun.
What kind of scraps are we talking about? Scraps. As in scuffles, scrapes, feuds and fisticuffs.
Ah. Who has she been scuffling with? Her husband (and crumbling, ancient rock star) Ozzy Osbourne and her former X Factor judging colleague (and more famous pop star's sister) Dannii Minogue.
What happened with her and Ozzy? She threw a cup of coffee over his head, pulled "his precious hair" and tried to "yank off his jewellery".
So they fought three times? No, just the once. Apparently, She's just very good at multitasking mid-scuffle. She threw her cappuccino – including cup and saucer – over him first and then used one hand to tug at his mane and the other to mug him.
Why? Because she wanted a divorce.
Is that how you initiate proceedings now? Not formally, no. But she says Ozzie had relapsed into drug use and wasn't showing her enough respect. They have since managed to patch things up.
And what about her and Dannii Minogue? They haven't managed to make up. Apparently Minogue wasn't showing Shazza enough respect either. Osbourne says that Minogue was "unbearable to work with" and used to walk past her in the hallway "without even making eye contact".
So she gave her a face full of latte? No, but Osbourne says Minogue was part of the reason she left the show.
The other part being? The other and much bigger part of the reason being she wasn't happy with the money.
But she is now? Evidently. And evidently she's worth it: her return to X Factor this year has helped bring in an extra half a million viewers.
Do say: "Mum and dad used to fight ..."
Don't say: "... but only for the book sales."