With its ratings dropping faster than you can say Strictly, we suggest some new themed weeks to breathe life into ITV's ailing talent show
Is it us, or do The X Factor's themes sound like they're straight off a Yates's pub jukebox? There's been 80s Night, where Frizz Ease was in abundance for songs by Chaka Khan and Gloria Estefan; Movie Music, including U2, Seal and Bryan Adams; and grandad's favourite, Big Band Week. The show is so out of touch that 17-year-old contestant Nicholas McDonald complained to Dermot live on air during week five that none of the genres had happened within his lifetime. X Factor, time to up your game! Get with the programme or your ratings will continue to droop like the sad features of a basset hound. Here's our wishlist of themes from the 90s and beyond that should help put a livener in Louis's Horlicks.
Riot Grrrl week
In the year when both David Cameron and Miley Cyrus threw their weight behind feminism, The X Factor would be letting the Great British Public down if they did not celebrate its 2013 renaissance. Contestants would find themselves paired with radical feminist mentors, including Bikini Kill and Pussy Riot, with whom they would perform on the live show, like when Alexandra Burke dueted with Beyoncé. Nicole and Sharon would make the front pages for wearing balaclavas throughout, and for one week only, in homage to L7, the sing-off would be replaced by a wet tampon-throwing competition. At Louis's face.
Gorilla vs Bear week
Once dubbed "The New Yorker of hipster blogs", Gorilla vs Bear and its new music kin are how people who condition their beards and dip-dye their hair listen to music now. They cover Tumblr-Wave, cloud rap and other genres that exist only because of the net, usually with a special sensitive space reserved for bands like the National. Around 99% of the population has never heard of it, and those sorts of figures can only go in Tamera Foster's favour. Legendary lyrics are no friend to this mini-Leona, which is why she's forgotten the words to both Diamonds Are Forever and Impossible, two weeks running. But Cowell favourite Tamera wins G vs B week because no one, not even the cool people, know the lyrics.
NWA week
In the early 90s, the most seminal of hip-hop groups spread gangsta rap from West Coast LA all the way to West Sussex. There's not one white man in his 30s I haven't heard at some point attempt Straight Outta Compton after a few. If The X Factor wants to pull in dads, they'd be better off dropping Sinatra and repping Dr Dre instead. This week's victor would be mums' favourite Sam Bailey with Fuck Tha Police. Bailey taps into her experience as a prison officer, dresses in her own uniform, and twirls her baton. Her impassioned performance gains a standing ovation from Nicole and co.
Electroclash week
For all the people who threatened to move to Berlin but didn't, and everyone who ever went to Trash or Nag Nag Nag in London. If you were of drinking age in the early 00s then you may well have had a mullet in this genre's heyday, and, complete with ironic sweatband, gotten sweaty to Fischerspooner, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Felix Da Housecat. This is a week when the stylists really come into their own: picture pink strap-on dildos à la Peaches, asymmetric hairdos and lots and lots of neon. It's a shame Miss Dynamix didn't make it this far, as this could have been their week.
Tortured Troubadour week
A theme for people who hate The X Factor. Every Saturday night the show makes bachelors of the "proper music"-loving Saxondales of this earth, who either leave the room or sit there, headphones plugged into laptop, watching Netflix until the misery is over. But there's no music more real than that of Elliott Smith, Soul Asylum, Fiona Apple and Bonnie "Prince" Billy. Contestants would not be allowed to stay in the X Factor mansion this week; they would be thrown out of Addison Lees into random inner cities with nothing more than a guitar and some high-strength cider for comfort, only to be thrust on to the stage a week later to sing about their newfound strife. Showers are not an option.
Kerrang! week
The heavy metal title is the biggest-selling weekly rock music mag on the planet. Therefore, any music show that represents what kids want to hear should have an episode dedicated to metal vocal techniques like the death growl. Sharon, you of all people know this should happen: there's more to learn here than in an entire series of Whitney key changes. Soulfly's Max Cavalera would mentor Rough Copy, with Barlow joining them around the piano for a rendition of the week's tune: Sepultura's Necromancer.